I’ve decided I’m just going to write this and then when I’m finished maybe I’ll post it. We’ll see. If you’re reading this now then obviously I decided to post, so this entire paragraph is merely to demonstrate my hesitancy to share my deepest darkest secrets with the entire world via the internet.
I’m a very private person so it’s hard for me to open up like this but here it is:
I need a miracle.
Which sounds drastic I know. There are worse problems out there but this one is mine. It’s not a matter of life and death but I don’t care, this is the most important thing right now. God I’m already crying.
I can honestly say that this past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. Ironically our one year anniversary is this coming Monday but I am so blessed to say that being married to Zach has been the greatest gift. Somehow we’ve made it through.
You know I haven’t had a job this past year. Well, I’ve had a nanny job in the afternoons but while I love the kids I can’t afford to stay with them. And it’s more than a little degrading to think that I’m went to college and got a teaching degree and now I’m doing a job that any high schooler with a drivers license is capable of. I’m really, really good at my job, but I need a reliable, full time job.
I’m not sure I can put into words the psychological and emotional effects of not being able to take care of yourself, when you know you’re capable if you could just have the chance. If you’ve ever experienced this then you know and if you haven’t then you don’t. I am so tired of relying on others. And while I am so incredibly thankful to them I want us to be able to do it ourselves. I won’t go into a lot of detail, but I’ll give you one example. This past Christmas, a very generous someone gave me a 50 dollar gift card. The old me would have used it to enjoy a night out or, I don’t know, buy a book or something. We used it to buy our groceries that week.
This inability to provide for our own needs has taken it’s toll on both of us. For me it’s been hard to come to grips with the loss of purpose to my day, the hours of nothing that needs taking care of. I can’t even enjoy summer vacation because I haven’t been working enough to need it. I see this summer stretch out like a vast chain of days with no end in sight. And if I don’t get a job for next Fall, I’m terrified that this year will repeat itself. I’ve applied to nearly 100 jobs so far and haven’t heard back from a single one yet. That’s teaching jobs this year, not to mention the countless non-teaching jobs I applied for, jobs that I’m either over qualified for or don’t have enough experience for.
I don’t want hand outs. I just want a job. I want financial freedom for our family. Have you ever wanted something so badly that your whole body focused on it? Like trying to stop a loved one from dying or a heart from breaking and you’ve done all you can but you’re helpless? That’s the only thing I can think to compare this to.
I want to assure everyone that I’m not depressed. I don’t sit around crying all day and I have had some very good times this past year. I try to focus on the good stuff. But although I’ve made the best of it this year has been hell and I am stuck in limbo.
So I just have one request. If you’ve managed to read this whole thing and if you are a person who believes in prayer, please pray for 2 things:
1. Please pray that I get a teaching job for this fall. I’ve applied to several good schools I just want the chance to get back in the classroom.
2. Pray also for our housing situation. If I get a teaching job there is an opportunity for us that I think will be a major breakthrough. I don’t want to go into details yet but G-d knows what it is.
If you don’t pray but you wouldn’t mind sending some happy thoughts and good vibes our way I’d appreciate that too.
I have my heart set on certain dreams and I’m trying not to get my hopes up but damn, it would be nice to have something to look forward to.
I really do appreciate anyone who’s read this entire post. The introvert in me is screaming not to publish because I have an extreme aversion to asserting myself or sharing my feelings, but I’m beyond that right now.
I feel like I should end on a good note or something. So I'll share with you my desktop background. Ask me what I think Heaven looks like and I’ll tell you, “Probably New Zealand.”
This picture was taken by Trey Ratcliff. His website is stuckincustoms.com, and you should check out his photography. I didn’t get paid to say that I just like his work.
**It took me about 5 minutes to come up with a (barely, slightly clever) title for this post, and since I wrote the post first and then titled it, no, I didn’t know the title would end up tying it all together nicely but in a jovial way that doesn’t really give a hint of it's true contents. It is what it is.**
I’m a very private person so it’s hard for me to open up like this but here it is:
I need a miracle.
Which sounds drastic I know. There are worse problems out there but this one is mine. It’s not a matter of life and death but I don’t care, this is the most important thing right now. God I’m already crying.
I can honestly say that this past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. Ironically our one year anniversary is this coming Monday but I am so blessed to say that being married to Zach has been the greatest gift. Somehow we’ve made it through.
You know I haven’t had a job this past year. Well, I’ve had a nanny job in the afternoons but while I love the kids I can’t afford to stay with them. And it’s more than a little degrading to think that I’m went to college and got a teaching degree and now I’m doing a job that any high schooler with a drivers license is capable of. I’m really, really good at my job, but I need a reliable, full time job.
I’m not sure I can put into words the psychological and emotional effects of not being able to take care of yourself, when you know you’re capable if you could just have the chance. If you’ve ever experienced this then you know and if you haven’t then you don’t. I am so tired of relying on others. And while I am so incredibly thankful to them I want us to be able to do it ourselves. I won’t go into a lot of detail, but I’ll give you one example. This past Christmas, a very generous someone gave me a 50 dollar gift card. The old me would have used it to enjoy a night out or, I don’t know, buy a book or something. We used it to buy our groceries that week.
This inability to provide for our own needs has taken it’s toll on both of us. For me it’s been hard to come to grips with the loss of purpose to my day, the hours of nothing that needs taking care of. I can’t even enjoy summer vacation because I haven’t been working enough to need it. I see this summer stretch out like a vast chain of days with no end in sight. And if I don’t get a job for next Fall, I’m terrified that this year will repeat itself. I’ve applied to nearly 100 jobs so far and haven’t heard back from a single one yet. That’s teaching jobs this year, not to mention the countless non-teaching jobs I applied for, jobs that I’m either over qualified for or don’t have enough experience for.
I don’t want hand outs. I just want a job. I want financial freedom for our family. Have you ever wanted something so badly that your whole body focused on it? Like trying to stop a loved one from dying or a heart from breaking and you’ve done all you can but you’re helpless? That’s the only thing I can think to compare this to.
I want to assure everyone that I’m not depressed. I don’t sit around crying all day and I have had some very good times this past year. I try to focus on the good stuff. But although I’ve made the best of it this year has been hell and I am stuck in limbo.
So I just have one request. If you’ve managed to read this whole thing and if you are a person who believes in prayer, please pray for 2 things:
1. Please pray that I get a teaching job for this fall. I’ve applied to several good schools I just want the chance to get back in the classroom.
2. Pray also for our housing situation. If I get a teaching job there is an opportunity for us that I think will be a major breakthrough. I don’t want to go into details yet but G-d knows what it is.
If you don’t pray but you wouldn’t mind sending some happy thoughts and good vibes our way I’d appreciate that too.
I have my heart set on certain dreams and I’m trying not to get my hopes up but damn, it would be nice to have something to look forward to.
I really do appreciate anyone who’s read this entire post. The introvert in me is screaming not to publish because I have an extreme aversion to asserting myself or sharing my feelings, but I’m beyond that right now.
I feel like I should end on a good note or something. So I'll share with you my desktop background. Ask me what I think Heaven looks like and I’ll tell you, “Probably New Zealand.”
This picture was taken by Trey Ratcliff. His website is stuckincustoms.com, and you should check out his photography. I didn’t get paid to say that I just like his work.
**It took me about 5 minutes to come up with a (barely, slightly clever) title for this post, and since I wrote the post first and then titled it, no, I didn’t know the title would end up tying it all together nicely but in a jovial way that doesn’t really give a hint of it's true contents. It is what it is.**
Christine, I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately I was in the same position as you. I graduated Dec 08 with my Elemen. Ed degree and was a last pick choice for a school in Aldine where I did my student teaching. The class I got was horrible as well as the whole experience, so when David told me he wanted to move to Beaumont to do graduate school at Lamar, I welcomed the change. However, noone in the Golden Triangle would hire me. So, I substituted for two months in Lumberton, heard of a special needs class that needed an aide, got hired for that at 10 bucks an hour...hoping that the next school year I would be top of the list for hiring. Not so much. Took my special ed cert exam in the summer 2010, passed. Still couldnt get a job. At this point I had my first baby and was jobless. David was still in school so I got a job as a nanny for 21 months until David started his internship in Amarillo. Haven't tried looking for a job. But I think I am through with that. I think in a few years I will go get a masters in something else and forget the whole education system that screwed me.
ReplyDeleteI know this doesn't help you get a job at all, but my prayers are with you.
Thanks Andrea, I'm sorry you're in the same boat. My prayers are with ya'll as well.
ReplyDelete