Gentle Readers,
The following is a list of my advice about boundaries in relationships. I will not write anything that I have not personally experienced or observed.
1. If you really like a guy and he flirts with you for months and everyone says it looks like you're in a relationship but he hasn't actually asked you to be his girlfriend...you are not his girlfriend. He probably just sees you as a friend and will continue to do so.
2. If you have been hanging out with a girl a lot, spending hours on the phone and one-on-one time, she is probably waiting for you to tell her you're in love with her. If you are in love with her grow a pair and speak up. If you are not, grow a pair and speak up. Then leave her alone so she can recover.
3. If a guy or girl has an absent (or present) significant other but still flirts with you it is not, under any circumstances, okay for you to seek them out. Respect the relationship. Respect yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who flirts with everyone anyway?
4. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone and another person very clearly flirts with you, makes a pass at you, etc. do not tolerate them. Do not give any encouragement to them or to any suggestions of other people you might be interested in or attracted to. Respect your relationship.
5. Do not be the person who makes the pass at someone in a relationship.
6. If you are not sure if you actually want to pursue a relationship with someone or if you have just met someone but have not established an actually relationship with them it is not okay to do any of the following: hold hands, cuddle, sleep or nap in the same bed, make out, etc. If you're not sure you even really like someone why would you show physical signs of affection to that extent? You need to have an honest conversation. Just because you are awkward or horny is not an excuse.
7. For those who are confused and need a script, a conversation that establishes a relationship might sound something like this:
Person 1: I wanted to talk to you about something important to me. You. I really enjoy spending time with you and I was hoping/wanting to ask you if you would be my girlfriend/boyfriend (use your own judgement about who should do the asking).
Person 2: Yes that would be lovely/no, I'm sorry I spent all that time leading you on, that was really mean/stupid of me. I thought we were just friends.
8. If you have a best friend who gets into a relationship who is of the same sex go to Section A. If your best friend is of the opposite sex go to Section B.
Section A: be supportive but realize that half if not more of your bff's time is going to be spent with their new bf or gf. This is natural. It has to happen and that means less time for you. It doesn't mean your friendship is no longer important. Give your bff time to adjust and find a balance. If they cut you out of their lives completely either voice concern and wait it out or move on.
Section B: It is no longer okay for you to spend hours talking on the phone and spending one-on-one time with your bff. It's weird, territorial, and it's going to make everyone awkward. In fact, if you or your bff want to get into a healthy relationship ever, it's best to start weaning yourself now and make some friends with the same sex organs as you. Yes it's blunt and you're probably really indignant, defensive and angry right now. The truth hurts.
9. If you are now in a romantic relationship and you have one or more close friends of the opposite sex you need to put some distance between them and you. Let me explain 2 things.
"Close Friends of the Opposite Sex" means someone you spend hours talking to via chat, Skype, text or phone daily or weekly, someone you hang out with on a daily basis, someone whom you have had romantic feelings for in the past or who has harbored romantic feelings for you in the past.
The reason you need to do this? Because your closest confidant of the opposite sex needs to be your partner. If it is not it will undermine their connection to you and put your relationship in jeopardy. I don't care if they said it doesn't bother them, it does. This is especially important if marriage is or ever will be part of the dialog. Respect your romantic relationship and put more value on it than on your other relationships with members of the opposite sex. If you really want an outside perspective make more friends who are the same gender as you.
10. DO NOT enter into a romantic relationship with someone if you are in love with someone else. Especially not marriage. No one will be happy. Unless the one you love has died, you +someone else+rejected lover=tragedy
Media and examples that will only prove my point:
When Harry Met Sally
I Love You Man
Pride and Prejudice
He's Just Not That Into You (the movie is good, the book should be required reading for every girl Junior High and up)
Moulin Rouge
Persuasion
Mona Lisa Smile
The Office (yes we cheer for Jim and Pam, but think about the Pam/Roy relationship and why that didn't work out, and then think about how pissed you were at that guy Pam went to school with in NYC when the Pam/Jim relationship was surviving via phone)
Devdas
Across the Universe
Something's Gotta Give
Adam's Rib
Because I Said So
think of any relationship you have been in or seen among your acquaintances
The list could go on indefinitely.
Really, the finding and keeping of love is so difficult without the added drama of these mistakes. Be kind to yourself and others.
Shalom
