The Mean Reds

Has it ever seized you? That quiet numbness of being alone and full of ennui at the same time? Like being trapped underwater and you can't breathe but you don't die either.

I'm feeling that way right now. Suspended is a good word for it I suppose. It's times when I feel like this that make Lent seem like such a formidable challenge. I'm alone a lot, so the idea of cutting myself off from all my usual distractions at a time like this fills me with dread. What if I just find more nothing instead of the something I need?

I think though, that during Lent my solitude, ennui, even my angst will serve an actual purpose. My hope is that it will push me out of the known and into the possible. I can't call where I am right now my "comfort zone" because I am often uncomfortable in it. But I know this place well, I've made camp here, trying to content myself with the beauty on the horizon.

What if there's nothing inside of me to get me out of here? What if this is all I really am?

Don't begin to prepare an answer, a pat, certain, well termed cliche to refute these questions. That is precisely the point. Not to shy away from the terrifying possibility of what I have always wondered could be. Face the question with both eyes open.

Could I truly be something empty and tired and lax, living to old age but repeating the same year after year after year, or could I expand, flourish, and fill to something that moves with the seasons? Could I be more than all the suppressants I pump in to numb myself out?

I've been waiting my whole life to begin.

You're probably wondering

So why am I doing this?

Are any of those thing inherently bad? (Some might argue yes but I disagree). They're not bad but they're a major roadblock to my real goal.

This year's Mantra: If you really wanted to, you'd be doing it.

Giving up Media serves a twofold purpose.

1. to take away most of the influences that confuse what I really want.

2. to take away the possible crutch of Media.

Let me explain. No there is too much, let me sum up...(please tell me you got the reference?)

Typical day: wake up, spend morning doing routine things to prepare for work all while thinking how much I hate getting up early/planning my day around the nap I'll be taking asap, go to work, come home from work, get on internet, take that nap, watch tv, eat something, shower, talk on phone, watch movie, go to sleep.

Over and over and over.

I watch movies and read blogs about people who travel, and cook, and write, and create things, and ______ fill in the blank. And do you know what I'm thinking?

Wow I wish I had a garden, knew how to cook, had that wardrobe, had that job, had that hair, had that experience, did that thing.

I've spent my time accumulating dreams of my perfect life from all the songs, movies, books and I've done practically none of them. I'd rather sit on my couch watching fake people live the life I want than really living the life I want.

If tv and movies were true to life then everyone would be watching characters watching tv and going to movies and playing video games. Then maybe we'd all turn it off and actually do something.

So I'm removing the roadblock and crutch of Media.

If I really wanted to have a garden, I'd grow one. If I really wanted to be a writer, I'd write. If I really wanted to learn Spanish and French and Portuguese, I'd learn them.

Or do I just want to be percieved as an eccentric, cultured person who gardens, writes, and speaks multiple languages? Do I want it because it's something I really want or because I want you to think I'm awesome? Hello ego.

Take the example of cooking. Like most of the really cool things Dream Me can do, in my head I take my face and put it on Amy Adams body in Julie&Julia and watch a movie where I can really cook! my brain computes this as: "I wish i could cook" or sometimes even prefers this to the reality of learning a new recipe.

There are 37 days until Lent. I'm preparing for it now. By holding myself accountable and getting to the root of what I really want and then doing it.

Because if I don't...it's going to be really quiet and boring around here for 46 days.

Preparing for Lent

So here's the thing, even though I'm not Catholic, I've been observing Lent for almost 10 years. I've given up many different things over the years, from twix bars and lemonade to television and Facebook. Last year I gave up Materialism. That's right, I didn't buy anything that wasn't food or gasoline for 46 days. Well, maybe toothpaste. It was a difficult way to live but it was also God's way of preparing me to live on even less when I lost my job.

I thought that was going to be the biggest challenge. Until I figured out what this season is going to be about. Ready?

I'm giving up Media.

No television, radio (recorded music of any kind), movies, Facebook, even books (books? can't...breathe...)

This is by FAR the most drastic challenge I've ever been presented with. Is crazy, no? I do it anyway.

What's the reason for it? Am I just trying to show off? Have I lost my mind? Not yet (ask me once I'm a couple of weeks into it).

I'll explain more in another post coming soon. Let's just say I have 44 days to get my game face on.