one hour

I think if I can manage to power through that I'll be able to watch the sunrise, something I haven't had the pleasure of for over a year. Not that I can remember anyway. I realize that I haven't been writing much lately. The truth is I have little to report and even less that is going on inside my head that feels the need to get out.

Which is odd. Normally there is a ton going on on the inside. As I've told my mom before I am an iceberg. What's the percentage? You only see 10% or something? I forget.

I know I'm at a strange point in my life when even my thoughts get smaller. I'm sure it will pick up soon. School ends this week, summer, summer camp, wedding planning, sleeping late. Summer is generally a big time of change in my life. We'll see.

It actually feels strange to be alone. Zach has been here all day, almost since I woke up. He left a few hours ago. August is going to be excruciating I can tell. He goes back to school and I stay here. He's been here 2 weeks and I'm already spoiled. And so I have nothing new to write about. I'm just waiting for the sun to come up. I may read, though I haven't been in the mood lately and it might be counterproductive. It might make me sleep.

I bought eggos at Walmart today. Eggos. I haven't eaten an eggo in years. I know I had them sometimes when I was a kid and it wasn't my favorite or anything. But today when Zach and I went to the store we happened to walk down that aisle and I wanted some. Do you ever get struck by a desire to eat something you had when you were a kid? Like Fruit Stripe Gum? Or Fruit Roll-ups? Or Rice Krispies.

Jello.

This is me trying to make my thoughts stretch for an hour until the sun arrives. You really don't have to keep reading.

My house is not very clean. You know that your work life is in bad shape when you don't even keep your house clean. Unless you aren't a tidy person and therefore the difference cannot be told either way. I however, am a usually tidy person.

Did you see that? Am A Usually Tidy Person. An A came before a word beginning with a vowel and I'm pretty sure it's right. probably because Usually was modifying the phrase Tidy Person and there's a rule about that happening. Am An Usually just doesn't sound right. If you say it out loud it sounds like "Am a NOOsually" at least, that's what it sounds like when I say it out loud in my head. I could never be an editor. I don't know all the rules, I just follow them, most of the time. My mom is always correcting my stuff for me and I have this weird thing with commas.

But back to cleanliness. Aside from stacks (a not-so-tidy habit that I share with my mom from our trailer days where we stack papers, magazines, cds, and other random stuff in piles all over available flat surfaces to be dealt with later) my apartment is usually put together. The past month or semester or so...not so much. Zach says it's not bad. Comparatively it is not except by my own standards. By no means am I a Monica but I can't stand clutter. I can't even do anything in my room if my bed isn't made. Lately that's the only thing I've been able to keep up with. Swish! The comforter covers the untidy sheets and I can make my way in the world. Dishes, laundry, dustballs? I'll get around to them.

It's just that right now I'm a worn out, throw in the towel and leave it on the floor, who cares if it needs to be washed and put away I don't feel like it right now, end of first year, public school teacher.

Who is yawning. Oi.

Come on sun.

After previewing, publishing, and re-editing for the past half hour or so I think this post is done.

I can hear the birds.

Weak

This has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. Zach frequently says I'm being melodramatic, but in all honesty, work this week has been so awful I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I felt like I failed my students, God, myself, I felt like (as I think I've mentioned before) I make a terrible grown-up. The pressure and struggle feels like too much and I don't have any fight left in me. Everything feels like it's falling apart, though mainly it's only work. But tonight I actually cried to G-d (literally) and told Him I don't think I can do it anymore, that the thought of going to work on Monday makes me feel sick and I just want to quit and never go back again. Except to get all my books, then I'd never, ever go back.

I felt so lonely, frustrated, angry and let down. I don't know what else I can possibly do or where I can go. Teaching and working with kids is all I know but I was ready to throw in the towel.

Then I thought about a song Toni and I wrote a few years ago that says,

I'm desperate for a King

To whom my heart can sing

I'm desperate for His grace

I'm desperate to seek His face

I'm desperate for a life

Filled with more than empty tries

I'm desperate for a dream

From the heart of a King

Which I realized is exactly where I am right now. So I pulled out my guitar and started singing the song. It took a while to remember the chords and I had to clip my nails and my fingers now burn with pain. But singing that song lead to another, and then another, and another. And then G-d gave me a new song (which reminds me, I need to go write that one down before it goes away).

I'm not saying I have anything figured out when it comes to work, happiness or my future. But it did pull me back into the presence of G-d, where I've needed to be for quite some time but couldn't figure out my way.

Maybe I'll go somewhere new, maybe I'll duke it out here, maybe I'll completely go in a new direction. But along the way at least there will be singing.

Shalom

Boundaries

This being "Teacher Appreciation Week" the PTO at my school cooked lunch for us today. Barbeque and baked potatoes, I was excited for lunch.

Then when I walked in one of the PTO ladies said "Look at this one! She's too young and skinny, let's give her a lot!"

Did I say anything? No. Was I offended? Not really. But yes, random PTO lady, your forward comments made me ponder and have turned into a blog. Congratulations.

Dear PTO Lady,

Do you regularly attend cattle auctions? Because when you saw me today your comments reminded me of someone looking at purchasing livestock. This one's a bit scrawny, we can fatten her up before winter. Do you know how I feel about my body? Have you seen me naked? (Nobody sees me naked.) You've never even met me. Do you know how I feel about myself? No, but now we all know how you feel about yourself. Be careful ma'am, your insecurities are showing.

When I walked in did I say anything about your weight and age? Did I imply that you should step back from the buffet? Then kindly step back and think before you decide you have permission to comment on my body, a stranger no less. I may be a smaller size than you but that doesn't mean you can say anything about it. Thank you and have a lovely day.

As a rule, I do not comment on people's size, shape, or features unless I am telling someone they look beautiful. It's not the first thing I look at when I meet someone. I do not categorize my friends and acquaintances according to size, shape, or color. I have many gorgeous friends that would never make it onto a magazine cover, but the way they present themselves to the world is true beauty, fashion world be damned.

So why is it, I wonder, in this age when it has become politically incorrect to correct someone, has it become socially acceptable to make comments to their face about their body? It's impolite, shows a lack of courtesy and frankly, tact. I don't keep my mouth shut because I am "skinny" but because I possess manners.

MAJOR BILLBOARD WITH FLASHING LIGHTS: YOU ARE NOT SIMON, YOU DO NOT GET PAID TO SAY WHAT YOU THINK OF SOMEONE TO THEIR FACE. SO PLEASE KEEP ALL OPINIONS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES TO YOURSELF.

Or you know, you could get a blog.

Shalom