Christine and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year (I think I’ll move to New Zealand)

I’ve decided I’m just going to write this and then when I’m finished maybe I’ll post it. We’ll see. If you’re reading this now then obviously I decided to post, so this entire paragraph is merely to demonstrate my hesitancy to share my deepest darkest secrets with the entire world via the internet.

I’m a very private person so it’s hard for me to open up like this but here it is:

I need a miracle.

Which sounds drastic I know. There are worse problems out there but this one is mine. It’s not a matter of life and death but I don’t care, this is the most important thing right now. God I’m already crying.

I can honestly say that this past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. Ironically our one year anniversary is this coming Monday but I am so blessed to say that being married to Zach has been the greatest gift. Somehow we’ve made it through.

You know I haven’t had a job this past year. Well, I’ve had a nanny job in the afternoons but while I love the kids I can’t afford to stay with them. And it’s more than a little degrading to think that I’m went to college and got a teaching degree and now I’m doing a job that any high schooler with a drivers license is capable of. I’m really, really good at my job, but I need a reliable, full time job.

I’m not sure I can put into words the psychological and emotional effects of not being able to take care of yourself, when you know you’re capable if you could just have the chance. If you’ve ever experienced this then you know and if you haven’t then you don’t. I am so tired of relying on others. And while I am so incredibly thankful to them I want us to be able to do it ourselves. I won’t go into a lot of detail, but I’ll give you one example. This past Christmas, a very generous someone gave me a 50 dollar gift card. The old me would have used it to enjoy a night out or, I don’t know, buy a book or something. We used it to buy our groceries that week.

This inability to provide for our own needs has taken it’s toll on both of us. For me it’s been hard to come to grips with the loss of purpose to my day, the hours of nothing that needs taking care of. I can’t even enjoy summer vacation because I haven’t been working enough to need it. I see this summer stretch out like a vast chain of days with no end in sight. And if I don’t get a job for next Fall, I’m terrified that this year will repeat itself. I’ve applied to nearly 100 jobs so far and haven’t heard back from a single one yet. That’s teaching jobs this year, not to mention the countless non-teaching jobs I applied for, jobs that I’m either over qualified for or don’t have enough experience for.

I don’t want hand outs. I just want a job. I want financial freedom for our family. Have you ever wanted something so badly that your whole body focused on it? Like trying to stop a loved one from dying or a heart from breaking and you’ve done all you can but you’re helpless? That’s the only thing I can think to compare this to.

I want to assure everyone that I’m not depressed. I don’t sit around crying all day and I have had some very good times this past year. I try to focus on the good stuff. But although I’ve made the best of it this year has been hell and I am stuck in limbo.

So I just have one request. If you’ve managed to read this whole thing and if you are a person who believes in prayer, please pray for 2 things:

1. Please pray that I get a teaching job for this fall. I’ve applied to several good schools I just want the chance to get back in the classroom.

2. Pray also for our housing situation. If I get a teaching job there is an opportunity for us that I think will be a major breakthrough. I don’t want to go into details yet but G-d knows what it is.

If you don’t pray but you wouldn’t mind sending some happy thoughts and good vibes our way I’d appreciate that too.

I have my heart set on certain dreams and I’m trying not to get my hopes up but damn, it would be nice to have something to look forward to.

I really do appreciate anyone who’s read this entire post. The introvert in me is screaming not to publish because I have an extreme aversion to asserting myself or sharing my feelings, but I’m beyond that right now.

I feel like I should end on a good note or something. So I'll share with you my desktop background. Ask me what I think Heaven looks like and I’ll tell you, “Probably New Zealand.”

         
This picture was taken by Trey Ratcliff. His website is stuckincustoms.com, and you should check out his photography. I didn’t get paid to say that I just like his work.


**It took me about 5 minutes to come up with a (barely, slightly clever) title for this post, and since I wrote the post first and then titled it, no, I didn’t know the title would end up tying it all together nicely but in a jovial way that doesn’t really give a hint of it's true contents. It is what it is.**

You Jump I Jump Jack

I saw Titanic in 3D today.

The first time I saw it I was eleven years old. Which was a big deal when you’re eleven and it’s a 3 hour movie and there’s nudity and a sex scene in it and your mom tells you to close your eyes. (Seeing it as an adult, that sex scene was pretty tame and I would say tastefully done.)

There are three reasons I know I was eleven when I saw Titanic:

1. When I was eleven I took a dance class and our instructor put the soundtrack on one day during our warm ups. That was why I wanted to see the movie in the first place. My friends had all gone to see it already but I wasn’t interested until I heard the music (more on that later.)

2. When I was in sixth grade those same friends and I would sit in this one place outside after lunch and I remember singing the theme from Titanic during this time while we were out there. (Dork to the core.) Not the Celine Dion song, I mean the “oooooooooooooooo” song from the actual soundtrack, which was my favorite part.

3. But speaking of “My Heart Will Go On” yes, I listened to the radio constantly so I could record it on my radio tape. Luckily it was on the “Top 5 at 9” for several weeks so it wasn’t hard. Also, three words: Junior High Dances.

It really is a good movie. And of course I loved the costumes and the set design. It makes me want to watch Downton Abbey again, which is basically Titanic anyway but without all the water. Sort of.

And can I just give props to Kate and Leo for their performances? Not only were they good in this movie but they continued to be amazing actors and have become the best in the business today, which, let’s face it, was due in large part to their roles in Titanic.

              
                                         I remember seeing it in a magazine (which of course I had to buy).


I was wondering how I would react to it as an adult, 15 years later. I was able to appreciate some things I didn’t catch the first time around. For example, when the big gruff guy is explaining the sinking with a computer program? During the backstory there is a minor character at every checkpoint he presented (Fabrizio is crushed by the falling smokestack, the ship breaks apart right where Lovejoy is standing, etc.) I think being in the room with James Cameron while he wrote the screenplay would have been interesting “What can I do to make sure Jack and Rose stay on the ship right until the very end? Oh I know, I’ll just keep making them run below deck!”


The interesting thing for me about watching it the first time was how emotional I was during the movie. I wasn’t upset because Jack died, I mean I basically started weeping when they locked the 3rd class passengers below deck and just kept on sobbing all the way through the scenes of the old couple, and the mom and her kids. I didn’t cry this time but I will say I did tear up when the musicians started playing "Nearer My God To Thee” during those same scenes. It was traumatic at eleven and it stayed with me for a long time. I used to listen to the soundtrack over and over, thinking about the people on the ship, in a way that only a preteen with morbid tendencies can understand.

Yes I owned the soundtrack, both actually. You didn’t know there was a second one? There was and it’s better than the original. It’s better because it has the piano version of “Rose” and the full recording of “Come Josephine in My Flying Machine” AND most especially because it has the Irish music from the party in 3rd class.  I’m a sucker for bagpipes.

If you’re in junior high and you want all the other kids to think you’re cool you should take piano lessons and then get the sheet music to the theme song of THE movie at the time and casually play it one day in the band hall. Groups of fascinated and shrieking peers will be drawn to you. You’ll have to play it a few more times until the novelty wears off. Unfortunately for today's youth they don’t really have any big songs at the end of movies anymore so this may not work. I think it was more of a James Horner thing anyway (name a film score by James Horner that doesn’t have a big song during the credits and I’ll give you a high five.)

(Nevermind. Braveheart, I’ll high five myself.)

**No memories were exaggerated in the writing of this post.


BONUS!

I get extremely annoyed with people who think they're being smart and clever and say stupid things. Like how there was "enough room" for two people on the "door" at the end of the movie.

1. I don't think it was a door. If you look at it, it appears to be more of a mantlepiece (you know, like above a fireplace) with a lot of heavy carving at the top and a curve at the bottom. Even if it was a door...

2. It has nothing to do with "room". It has to do with buoyancy (the ability of matter to float). Their combined weight on the "door" caused it to capsize when they tried it. Jack saw what was happening and he knew it wouldn't work. They clearly show this in the film.

3. He made the sacrifice for her because he loved her. She was really traumatized by the nights events and he was more clear headed than she was at the time. So instead of calling her a "bitch" you want her to let him  take her spot? Because that's what real men do, they push women they love into freezing waters. It's part of the storyline, and it's the only ending that makes sense.

Even I understood this when I was eleven. *mumbles judgmental expletives*