If I Were A Disney Princess I'd Be Belle

Having made the plunge into official adulthood slash wedded bliss, Zach and I also decided to take a drastic step and...not get cable. (oh the screams are deafening)

In reality this is not much of a sacrifice, I don't watch television that often and most of the shows we do enjoy are on the net the next day (this is where I give my shout out to Drop Dead Diva). Plus we have Netflix. So sacrifice...not so much. Although I'd like to take a moment to lament my loss of PBS and Turner Classic Movies.

*Sigh*

Okay, now that my dorkness has been assuaged, here's the real kicker. None of this was my idea, it was Zach's! I was only too happy to go along. But he said he wanted to go without tv so he would read more.

Be still my heart, I knew I married the right man.

Therefore, in conjunction with this endeavor (you'll have to excuse me, sometimes I write like I'm a 19th century heroine) we went to our new local library and got cards.

And let me tell you, libraries today are way more spiffy than they were when I was a kid. Maybe it's just cause we live in the big city now but I had to stop myself from gaping on more than one occasion. Let me just say that there is a self checkout for books. You swipe your card (which has a barcode) and then simply set your books down in a stack on this pad thingy and in about 10 seconds the computer screen will display every title you are checking out. I didn't even tell it anything! Then to top it all off, it prints a receipt of my books due date!

There's no little yellow sticker! There's no little card stuck into that pocket in the book! And while this is all very exciting I confess I'm a little sad because when I imagined what it would be like to be a librarian the "open the book, place the card, put the sticker on the front, one at a time" routine was one of my favorite parts. Yes, I sometimes fantasize about being a librarian, go judge someone else. But I digress.

Here's what I checked out:

Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry by Lenore Skenazy

Yes I read parenting books (FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN BECAUSE I AM A NERD) and also because as a teacher I think parenting books give a lot of insight. Anyway, the woman who writes this is very funny and easy to read. Plus it's a book that makes you feel all nostalgic about how you could play outside and ride your bike and catch fireflies when you were a kid. Then it points out that you don't really see that going on much these days because parents are afraid of, well, everything. Then I think she tells parents to lighten up but I haven't read that far yet.

The Jane Austen Handbook: A Sensible Yet Elegant Guide to Her World by Margaret C. Sullivan

Yes, this is a pure indulgence on my part but I love reading this kind of thing. And if you are an Austenite, excuse me, a Jane Austenite*, you should treat yourself to a read.

The 4 Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss

I haven't figured out if this guy is crazy or genius, but he basically outsourced his job and now does whatever he feels like while still getting paid. Maybe it's illegal or maybe he doesn't have any student loans to worry about, I'll have to keep reading to find out. I do agree with his ideas about the "New Rich". Maybe I'll blog about it later, after I've conducted my assessment.

I love libraries. I love them because they give me free books. And while if I really love a book I like to have it on my shelf this also saves a ton of money (and I've eliminated about 10 books from my Amazon wish list because the library has them).

I love the experience of books.

If you have a book on your shelf that you can't live without let me know and I'll "check it out" :)

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Which is the short way of saying they had a lovely honeymoon in Chicago and then went and visited the girl's parents and then they packed up and moved to the city.

Except that the morning they were moving, as the girl was waiting at a red light, her car died.

And they had to leave it in the little town and come back for it later.

And they drove to the city in the moving truck with the dogs sitting on their laps.

And when they got there they found out the water hadn't been turned on. This was Saturday.

But it was okay cause a bunch of really nice people helped them unload the truck.

But then not okay because a lot of important stuff had been left in the car. Things like makeup, deoderant, cheese wax sculptures, and all the pots.

So they ate out all week. And took showers at someone else's house.

Until the water got turned on on Monday. But the gas wouldn't be turned on until Tuesday.

Which actually ended up being no hot water til Thursday.

But they had the internet so they were okay. Plus they got new phones, and the boy was excited about playing Angry Birds. The girl just thought he was a dork but loved him anyway.

And then a week later they finally got her car back. It was a long day.

But it was okay because the girl got to listen to her favorite Bollywood DJ on the way back to the city, and you can't be in a bad mood when you listen to DJ Moody.

Except when your cheese wax sculptures melt into a conglomerous lump. Then you feel kind of sad again.

But when they finished getting unpacked and it started to feel like home, and she felt better.

And she loved to make lists so she made a list of things they needed to get.

Employers was on the list.

But that's another story.

Like a Virgin

So you clicked on my link, maybe thinking you're going to get some spicy details of my recent honeymoon or tips on how to please your whoever. Nope, sorry. It's called a private life for a reason. However after thinking over the idea for a couple of weeks and talking with Zach (my new husband awwwww) I thought I would write a post about sex (yes, sex) and my top ten list of things you should remember.

Some things you should know about me first:

My husband and I were virgins when we married.

Yes, we're in our mid-twenties and were STILL virgins.

We've been married 2 weeks.

So no I'm not a sex expert, by any means. But I am having it now so I think that counts for something.

Basically this is just a heads up for the few, the proud (or should I say impatient), the virgins who are still out there. Let me also start by saying that although I was a virgin until marriage I am not in any way trying to push an agenda with that. Do I think it's a good idea? Yes, absolutely. But some people may not choose to wait that long. If you don't (along with the following) I have just 2 things to share that I fully believe with all my heart.

Number 1: Even if you don't wait til marriage, at least, definitely, absolutely wait for someone who loves you and who you love. Notice I didn't say wait until you love them. It's important that they love you too. You are worth a lot more than someone else using YOUR love to buy THEMSELVES sex. You should love each other. Because I can't imagine doing something like that with someone who doesn't.

Number 2: You better be on birth control. There's no reason to not be on birth control if you are going to have sex and I don't mean condoms. No one really wants the title of "baby daddy" or "baby momma" in real life. Unless you are fully prepared to be parents. More power to you.

Okay so here we go. "A Recent Non-Virgin's Advice To Those Still Waiting" alternately titled "Things I Wish Someone Had Mentioned 3 Weeks Ago".

If you've ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, you can probably figure out what my first advice is going to be. Always bring a towel. Sex is messy, you'll figure it out. (That should be your mantra by the way, Sex is messy but you will figure it out).

And on that note my second advice is pee first. You'll be a lot more comfortable if you can focus on enjoying the moment and not, you know, holding it. You need to be relaxed, going to the bathroom first helps.

Ladies, no matter what your man says about the minimum amount of time it will stay on you, guys like lingerie. Go to Victoria's Secret, pick out something you feel comfortable in, and trust me you will feel sexy and he will appreciate it.

Before things get hot and heavy make sure you have some lubrication purchased and waiting on the nightstand. It helps. Also I would start with the normal kind, not the kind in commercials. You need to figure out sex first before you start trying to amplify anything.

I'm sure you've heard this before but if you're wondering how sex feels the first few times I'll tell you: uncomfortable. Not for guys probably, I'm pretty sure they enjoy themselves every time but for girls it's kinda weird. Maybe not for everyone, there's always hope, but yeah, uncomfortable, awkward. That's why the love part is important. If you love each other you'll be ready to work through the awkwardness.

Speaking of uncomfortable, wait, you might be thinking, but when does it start being awesome? And the answer is I have no idea because everyone is different. But I can tell you that everything you may have seen, or read about sex (especially in movies) is pretty much bonk. Newsflash Number 6: There is no supposed to. You are not supposed to look like Mila Kunis or Ryan Gosling. You are not supposed to be a sex pro. It will not be like what you imagined right off the bat. There's no reason why unreasonably high expectations should stop you from feeling comfortable and having fun.

Another thing: there might be a lot of jokes from your friends when you start having sex about what goes on in your sex life or you might get the sneaky suspicion that everyone thinks newlyweds (or whoever) never get out of the bedroom. This isn't true. Sorry to burst that bubble. Getting married, or having sex for the first time does not flip a switch and turn you into a wild sex machine. I wish it did, honestly, and for some it might (oh you lucky you) but let's face it, there is a reason everyone goes on cruises or to resorts for the honeymoon. Sex isn't the only thing you're going to do.

Now pay attention cause this is important: don't put a lot of pressure on yourself or your partner to be a sex-god the first time around because it's perfectly normal to be a normal-sex-person. If you haven't heard that yet google it. Why do you think the internet is so full of sex advice? Why does Cosmo have sex tips in every issue? Why is Viagra necessary? In a culture that promotes sex like it's the meaning of life apparently we need some help to achieve greatness.

I think the best thing you can do is to talk about it with your partner. Be honest, not bashful. If you're going to let them see you naked you should also trust them with your desires and doubts. But my final advice is, don't publicize what happens between you and your someone. It is nobody else's business. Then you can trust each other and enjoy intimacy, without worrying if he's going to be bragging to his friends or if she's going to be gossiping about your moves to the girls. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Or anywhere else you choose to have it.

Now I know after reading this that I may have offended some people. Maybe you don't think I should be writing about this topic at all or maybe you think I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe you've been having sex for a while and none of this fits your experience or maybe it's just not what you wanted to hear. I'm sending it out into the world anyway. Because maybe, just maybe, it will help someone or validate them in some way. And if it does then I'm glad I shared it.

Letter To A Friend

Dear --------,

This letter might be a bit scattered so bear with me, here is everything (maybe) that I know (to be true) about love:

Everyone in the entire world wants love. Most of us have the problem of not recognizing it, not knowing where to get it, and not knowing how to do or what to do with it.

Everyone.

Everyone suffers from this "absence of love". If we see someone who has it, even if they don't do it well and it turns out to be the messy, gory love that dies quickly, we feel left out. Like Happiness and Satisfaction is a members only club for people with a Love Card.

Everyone is lonely.

I just conducted a survey, and of the nearly 310 million people in the U.S. alone, at least 289,411, 762 reported that at least once in their lifetime they have felt "like I will never find love".* A few you might know include myself, Samantha, Brandon, Julie, Will, Jim from the Office, Cher, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Sting, and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. * **

Many people feel that God has predestined them for singleness and a life of celibate service for His own reasons. Most of these people who hold this belief are Christians between the ages of 15 and 35. This is, however, not biblical. No offense to the Catholic Church or to Paul, but Jesus did not come back 1,950 years ago and God never told anyone to wall themselves up in a church. God's first observation of man was that his being alone sucked and his first command to the happy couple was to have sex and make babies. God wants us to get it on with one person for the rest of our life.

We get to pick that person.

When people say love is a choice what they mean is that eventually you will get tired of someone but that you have to commit to being nice to them and putting up with all their crap when you'd rather punch them in the face. This is true. However, falling in love is also choosing to let your mind dwell on the particular aspects of someone that delight you, storing them in your subconscious and engraving a picture on your soul of who you perceive that person to be. Then you put yourself in said picture until a point is reached where happiness is being with that person in that picture. If this is taken away we respond badly.

Our thought repeat themselves down a dark path of the

following:

No one chooses to love me romantically right now. Something must be wrong with me. I am unlovable. No one will ever love me. I am alone. I will always be alone. Something must be wrong with me. I will never find love.

The only way to lift oneself from the depths of darkness and gloom is to latch on to the truth of the first statement: no one chooses to love me romantically right now. Then there are 2 options:

1. accept the belief that this is God's gentle nudge that you should immediately join the nearest monastic community

2. keep your heart wide open and embrace whatever or whomever comes your way

The second thing to notice about this pattern is that all of the thoughts are self-centered insecurities. Please note that any and every jealousy, insecurity, and self-doubt lies in wait for the opportunity to subotage everything you know to be true. Lies in wait. Lies. In the waiting.

Alone is the place where we have to fight lies with truths.

Here's another truth: when in a relationship, they (Jealousy, Insecurity, and Self-Doubt, sometimes even Self-Loathing) are still waiting to jump you if you let them.

Sometimes if another girl is talking to Zach I have to tell Insecurity and Jealousy to f@%! off. I know that Zach and I are together because God saw that it was good. Nothing can stand against this truth.

Now there is a battle to fight. A war that will never resolve unless we, all of us, you and I, declare

I am loved

I will be loved

I will give love

I will welcome love

The two greatest commandments are for us to love God and love those around us. If we do this, in any capacity, we are on the right path.

And someday, somewhere choose someone to love, let someone choose you, become someone's One.

Until then, think happy thoughts and live your life open.

* **names have been changed to protect the innocent and also no one should take seriously any statistics or "facts" given in this blog regarding famous persons or the population of the US, other than serving as a metaphor for the general human condition.

Sometimes My Brain Spits This Stuff Out

It's been the kind of week that makes you wish movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were for real. And it has taken Friday a long time to get here. So this blog isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea.

But if you can appreciate where I'm coming from,

and if you've had a rough week and you need a laugh or a smile,

and if you like Bollywood,

and if you've read or just seen Twilight,

then I'm about to jump start your weekend in an amazing way.

I've been shelving this one for a while but now feels like the right time to show you.

If Bollywood did Twilight:

Anushka Sharma as Bella. Because she can pull off the plain jane look and turn into a gorgeous vampire at the end and she's a better actress than some other people who have played Bella. Maybe I would actually like the character of Bella if Anushka was in the role.

Imran Khan as Edward

He looks better with his shirt off than Robert P. in my opinion.

See? Perfect.

Cheers to Sonam Kapoor for coming in 2nd place for Bella.

Shahrukh Khan as Jasper and Kajol as Alice.

Enough said.

Mr. Abhishek Bachchan as Emmet. Good big brother type. Strong, muscular, fun loving. Arm wrestling? I'd happily lose to him.

Kareena Kapoor as Rosalee. She's gorgeous and I've seen her play rude well. She can be tough and she's the only one I can see playing the part.

Amitabh Bachchan as Carlisle. He's very kind and dignified but he can be in your face too.

Yes, he looks older than the characters are supposed to be but they all look older.

It's my movie.

Amitabh Bachchan is in it.

Period.

Madhuri Dixit as Esme. Because if I'm casting a movie Madhuri's going to be in it. Because she's an amazing actor/dancer/human being. And also just so I can meet her.

I may switch to Team Jacob just for Shahid Kapoor.

Rani Mukherjee playing Jane. I'd like to see her play a bad guy. I think she would kick some tail.

The Volturi:

Salman Khan

Sanjay Dutt...in case you can't read it on the photo.

Jackie Shroff

All 3 are great actors and I think they could be really creepy if they wanted to.

Usually Preity Zinta is the adorable one but after watching Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna and seeing this photo of her I thought she could do a nice vindictive Victoria. This photo was actually what triggered my Bollywood/Twilight musings. Thanks Preity!

And last but not least, my favorite Mr. Aamir Khan. I thought this photo very striking. Oh and he would be James.

I know it's totally random and ridiculous. It's also very "Chris". I hope it made your day better like it did mine :)

For those of you who are confused and/or think I'm a nutcase:

1. You should open your mind and watch some Hindi films.

2. Thank you.

3. I'll be back to the usual postings soon. Today I just needed a fun pick-me-up.

And yes, Zach does know how much of a dork I am.