Weak

This has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. Zach frequently says I'm being melodramatic, but in all honesty, work this week has been so awful I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I felt like I failed my students, God, myself, I felt like (as I think I've mentioned before) I make a terrible grown-up. The pressure and struggle feels like too much and I don't have any fight left in me. Everything feels like it's falling apart, though mainly it's only work. But tonight I actually cried to G-d (literally) and told Him I don't think I can do it anymore, that the thought of going to work on Monday makes me feel sick and I just want to quit and never go back again. Except to get all my books, then I'd never, ever go back.

I felt so lonely, frustrated, angry and let down. I don't know what else I can possibly do or where I can go. Teaching and working with kids is all I know but I was ready to throw in the towel.

Then I thought about a song Toni and I wrote a few years ago that says,

I'm desperate for a King

To whom my heart can sing

I'm desperate for His grace

I'm desperate to seek His face

I'm desperate for a life

Filled with more than empty tries

I'm desperate for a dream

From the heart of a King

Which I realized is exactly where I am right now. So I pulled out my guitar and started singing the song. It took a while to remember the chords and I had to clip my nails and my fingers now burn with pain. But singing that song lead to another, and then another, and another. And then G-d gave me a new song (which reminds me, I need to go write that one down before it goes away).

I'm not saying I have anything figured out when it comes to work, happiness or my future. But it did pull me back into the presence of G-d, where I've needed to be for quite some time but couldn't figure out my way.

Maybe I'll go somewhere new, maybe I'll duke it out here, maybe I'll completely go in a new direction. But along the way at least there will be singing.

Shalom