2 Weeks

Being engaged is weird. All this attention, it's like your birthday, when people are calling you and giving you stuff and all the random people that you know on facebook drop by to say how excited they are for you except it lasts longer than a day. As I told my mom this evening, it's strange but of course it's strange, it's never happened before.

I keep telling people (and myself) that I'm giving it 2 weeks to sink in before I begin planning. Yet the real reason, the one you don't publish on your status, is that I need 2 weeks to work through my emotions about this and my expectations.

Yes, I am one of those girls who has thought about what she would want at her wedding for many, many years. And those ideas have changed many, many times. Somehow, whatever the current picture in my head happens to be becomes this monstrous dream that MUST BECOME A REALITY! That IS how it will be! Anything less and I might turn into a bridezilla (or let's face it, I'm not confrontational, but I might nurse some bitterness about the whole thing).

The real reason I'm giving myself 2 weeks is so that I can pray a lot and try to stay focused on preparing myself for this journey, this great wave that I've already begun to ride, that will carry me to that auspicious day. And to remember that this is just one day, one tiny, brief day out of all the thousands of days in my life. The beginning of my life with Zach.

Since the actual engagement I've been repeating to myself "two weeks...two weeks" whenever my mind started running in the direction of venues, dresses, and cakes. I tried to supress the urge to organize. But now I realize that these two weeks are not so that I can hide away my dreams of THIS DAY but to take out each of my dearly held dreams, set it in front of me, observe it closely, then let it go.

This will be hard, quite possibly one of the biggest challenges of my life, as trite as it may seem, to trust G-d and let go of my desire to control and have things my way on this day of days when all of our culture says I have every right to scream and pitch a fit if I don't get my way. THIS DAY is a business for a lot of people. THIS DAY is money. THIS DAY is all about the bride looking like she stepped out of a Disney movie. THIS DAY is about letting everyone know that you can be everything (beautiful, happy, successful, graceful, rich, entertaining, and with a handsome prince to boot).

This day is a beginning for me and Zach. This day is joyous. This day is when I get to be beautiful for the man I love. This day is about celebrating our love with the people we love.

At the end of my life I don't want people to tell each other about this one day and you should've seen her dress. I want people to talk about us as a couple and the epic life we created together, full of love, and adventure, and peace. Speaking of peace...

Shalom

Microwave Revelation

So I've started doing this secret, slightly rebelious thing when I eat popcorn on my break at work (kettle corn is the best). I put the bag "wrong side" down. You know how they always specify "THIS SIDE UP"? Here's what I've found out:

Not only does it not matter how you put your popcorn in the microwave but 9 times out of 10 the popcorn pops better, with fewer kernels left over and less burning, than when you do it the way they tell you.

Something else I noticed on my popcorn bag today: on the instructions, it actually tells you not to use the popcorn button on your microwave. So why don't they tell the microwave people to stop making popcorn buttons instead of having contradictory statements on their packaging? Is it because the microwave people would freak out that there would be a blank space in their nice, evenly spaced appearance? Who's trying to *micromanage who here?

Lesson Learned from the Popcorn and Microwave people: Sometimes things work out better if you don't follow the rules and if you depend on someone for something but don't tell them what you need (or in some cases what you don't need) then you might both end up looking dumb.

Shalom

*I realized the pun of using the term "micromanage" in this instance only after typing it.

There's a Bing Crosby song in my head...

So if any of you have noticed my new profile pic on facebook, it's one of me when I was a freshmen in high school. Since I just turned the big 24 this week, and was also recently tagged in said photo, I put it up. Then a good (and I'm sure well-meaning) friend of mine said I looked fabulous and asked me if I had lost weight.

Which made me stop and think. How much did I weigh back then? I did look really good, really thin, in the picture. Lately I've been not so happy with what's happening around my waist, so I began to wonder how many pounds stood between me in the photograph. 15? 20? And after about 5 minutes of pondering I stopped.

The world is already too full of women trying to look like 14 year old girls. I do not need to be a size 6 to be happy in my life. Do I want to do something about my current weight? Yes. But my goal should not be to mirror a photo that was taken 10 years ago when I was in my first year of high school. That is unrealistic, unhealthy, and frankly a disaster (or an eating-disorder) waiting to happen.

So today I went to the store and bought some body lotion, deep cleaning cleanser (fo' my face) and a loofah with a handle. At least I think it's a loofah, that I didn't really know what to do with but I vigorously rubbed my back with it in the shower. I'm sure it will do wonders for my skin.

After bathing, lotioning, and brushing/flossing/gum stimulating/mouthwashing I feel great. Like a real live 24 year old woman with a lot to look forward to and a tingling sensation in her mouth (really how do they expect you to swish with mouthwash for a full minute when it burns so much that your eyes water?)

Anyway, nothing like taking care of the body you have to make you love the skin you're in.

Shalom

Sunburn on my back

So after a very long day yesterday I was surprised that I didn't feel the need to drink my last energy drink today at work. Of course that doesn't mean I didn't take a 2 hour nap this afternoon when I got home.

I really don't have anything to say but I wanted to share two of my favorite youtube videos with everyone. My mom sent them to me in an email once (I think when I had had a bad day) and they always make me smile, give me chills, and yes, I girl a little bit. I would love someday to be a part of something like this. Here they are:

I hope they put a smile on your face!

Shalom

ps. oh and yes, that IS Pink in the Hey Jude video. Don't you just love her?

Lent Ended, the clouds parted, G-d looked down and said "muah...ha...ha..."

He is so ironic. His comedic timing is spot on. The day before Lent was officially over my hard drive crashed. I just spent a week without a computer.

So needless to say this week has been... interesting.

I was PMSing pretty hardcore on Tuesday (i love my boyfriend, he was there for me, and also a shout out to my mom and katrina) when had a pms panic attack about the current state of my life. which breaks down into 3 parts:

stress at work

financial duress

loneliness

The first half of this week was awful. The second half was great.

I'm not sure what changed (besides my topsy-turvy hormones).

I still feel like I'm never going to be a good grown-up. And I don't mean that in the cute Peter Pan kind of way. I mean the adult world is biting my head off. There are so many days when being an adult makes me feel as big as a kinder-gardener and all I want to do is cry that the big bad world is being mean to me. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into childhood or at least grow some armor over my skin. But skin it remains, susceptible to burning, capable of bleeding out.

Right now I'm just trying to make it to the end of the school year. Waiting for summer, waiting for camp. I know how to do camp. I might not be the most energetic, outgoing counselor we have but at least I understand my place at camp. There is room to breathe at camp and girls that have influenced me in so many profound ways that I can only pray to be the kind of "grown-up" they would want to emulate.

Incredible to think that other girls I graduated from high school with are already married and raising families and have been for years.

Do they feel like adults? I should ask my parents when they felt like they were grown-ups. Capable grown-ups. I'm almost a quarter of a century old, so where's the on button?

On a lighter note (hahaha it's punny, you'll soon know why) I did find this on youtube and it is awesome! Meet one of my favorite bands singing my favorite song with just a guitar and her voice:

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Hopefully now that I'm back with my computer I'll be able to write more often.

Shalom