Lent Day 27: Decisions

I've been thinking about quitting my Lenten fast for a few days now. And yes, I pretty much have stopped. I'm a little let down and feeling unfulfilled but that's actually why I decided it wasn't what I should be doing.

I thought that removing Media from my life would force me to radically transform into a butterfly of creativity instead of staying in my cocoon of comfort (my apologies for the corny analogy). Instead I became unhappy, tired, and without growth. When you work long days at a job that drains you the last thing you want to do is come home and have to create something to entertain yourself.

Not to say I haven't learned anything in the past 4 weeks. I've slowed down a bit, quieted myself, spent more time with friends, but also haven't reached my dreams. I mean, I'm sure you've noticed the lack of updates with spiffy titles like "Lent Day Something: Check out this awesome thing I did today!"

My whole life I've been waiting to become that complete version of me, the warrior maiden I envision in my mind. Since childhood I've subscribed to the self-improvement view of life, always wanting to be a Renaissance Woman (renaissance is a hard word to spell by the way, took me several tries just now and then I had to Google it). I have wanted to be, to borrow a phrase, a young lady of "accomplishment" (music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages...something in her air and manner of walking...improve her mind by extensive reading, etc.) so my lists looked something like this:

learn to speak:

French

German

Gaelic

Spanish

needlepoint

ballet

drawing

painting

learn to play:

piano

violin

Now, realize that this is a sample list from when I was about...8 years old. Trust me, my actual lists were far more extensive. A life full of lists. Some of them are checked off, but let's be realistic, some never will be.

How foolish of me to think I could rush the process or take a shortcut on the journey.

I don't know if I'll ever be the eclectic, bohemian writer artist who makes her own clothes, gardens, travels to other countries (whose languages she speaks fluently) with a book filled house and an interesting thing to say on every subject.

I am a fourth grade teacher, who spends her evenings on the internet, watching Bollywood movies, learning Spanish, practicing yoga, who likes travel but misses home, and whose contact with friends and family happens mostly over the phone. Who thinks big thoughts and is never satisfied with who she currently is.

But at least it's real.

Lent 2010 Lesson Learned: Don't rush the process, don't live by rules, learn as you grow.

Shalom