Like a Virgin

So you clicked on my link, maybe thinking you're going to get some spicy details of my recent honeymoon or tips on how to please your whoever. Nope, sorry. It's called a private life for a reason. However after thinking over the idea for a couple of weeks and talking with Zach (my new husband awwwww) I thought I would write a post about sex (yes, sex) and my top ten list of things you should remember.

Some things you should know about me first:

My husband and I were virgins when we married.

Yes, we're in our mid-twenties and were STILL virgins.

We've been married 2 weeks.

So no I'm not a sex expert, by any means. But I am having it now so I think that counts for something.

Basically this is just a heads up for the few, the proud (or should I say impatient), the virgins who are still out there. Let me also start by saying that although I was a virgin until marriage I am not in any way trying to push an agenda with that. Do I think it's a good idea? Yes, absolutely. But some people may not choose to wait that long. If you don't (along with the following) I have just 2 things to share that I fully believe with all my heart.

Number 1: Even if you don't wait til marriage, at least, definitely, absolutely wait for someone who loves you and who you love. Notice I didn't say wait until you love them. It's important that they love you too. You are worth a lot more than someone else using YOUR love to buy THEMSELVES sex. You should love each other. Because I can't imagine doing something like that with someone who doesn't.

Number 2: You better be on birth control. There's no reason to not be on birth control if you are going to have sex and I don't mean condoms. No one really wants the title of "baby daddy" or "baby momma" in real life. Unless you are fully prepared to be parents. More power to you.

Okay so here we go. "A Recent Non-Virgin's Advice To Those Still Waiting" alternately titled "Things I Wish Someone Had Mentioned 3 Weeks Ago".

If you've ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, you can probably figure out what my first advice is going to be. Always bring a towel. Sex is messy, you'll figure it out. (That should be your mantra by the way, Sex is messy but you will figure it out).

And on that note my second advice is pee first. You'll be a lot more comfortable if you can focus on enjoying the moment and not, you know, holding it. You need to be relaxed, going to the bathroom first helps.

Ladies, no matter what your man says about the minimum amount of time it will stay on you, guys like lingerie. Go to Victoria's Secret, pick out something you feel comfortable in, and trust me you will feel sexy and he will appreciate it.

Before things get hot and heavy make sure you have some lubrication purchased and waiting on the nightstand. It helps. Also I would start with the normal kind, not the kind in commercials. You need to figure out sex first before you start trying to amplify anything.

I'm sure you've heard this before but if you're wondering how sex feels the first few times I'll tell you: uncomfortable. Not for guys probably, I'm pretty sure they enjoy themselves every time but for girls it's kinda weird. Maybe not for everyone, there's always hope, but yeah, uncomfortable, awkward. That's why the love part is important. If you love each other you'll be ready to work through the awkwardness.

Speaking of uncomfortable, wait, you might be thinking, but when does it start being awesome? And the answer is I have no idea because everyone is different. But I can tell you that everything you may have seen, or read about sex (especially in movies) is pretty much bonk. Newsflash Number 6: There is no supposed to. You are not supposed to look like Mila Kunis or Ryan Gosling. You are not supposed to be a sex pro. It will not be like what you imagined right off the bat. There's no reason why unreasonably high expectations should stop you from feeling comfortable and having fun.

Another thing: there might be a lot of jokes from your friends when you start having sex about what goes on in your sex life or you might get the sneaky suspicion that everyone thinks newlyweds (or whoever) never get out of the bedroom. This isn't true. Sorry to burst that bubble. Getting married, or having sex for the first time does not flip a switch and turn you into a wild sex machine. I wish it did, honestly, and for some it might (oh you lucky you) but let's face it, there is a reason everyone goes on cruises or to resorts for the honeymoon. Sex isn't the only thing you're going to do.

Now pay attention cause this is important: don't put a lot of pressure on yourself or your partner to be a sex-god the first time around because it's perfectly normal to be a normal-sex-person. If you haven't heard that yet google it. Why do you think the internet is so full of sex advice? Why does Cosmo have sex tips in every issue? Why is Viagra necessary? In a culture that promotes sex like it's the meaning of life apparently we need some help to achieve greatness.

I think the best thing you can do is to talk about it with your partner. Be honest, not bashful. If you're going to let them see you naked you should also trust them with your desires and doubts. But my final advice is, don't publicize what happens between you and your someone. It is nobody else's business. Then you can trust each other and enjoy intimacy, without worrying if he's going to be bragging to his friends or if she's going to be gossiping about your moves to the girls. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Or anywhere else you choose to have it.

Now I know after reading this that I may have offended some people. Maybe you don't think I should be writing about this topic at all or maybe you think I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe you've been having sex for a while and none of this fits your experience or maybe it's just not what you wanted to hear. I'm sending it out into the world anyway. Because maybe, just maybe, it will help someone or validate them in some way. And if it does then I'm glad I shared it.

Letter To A Friend

Dear --------,

This letter might be a bit scattered so bear with me, here is everything (maybe) that I know (to be true) about love:

Everyone in the entire world wants love. Most of us have the problem of not recognizing it, not knowing where to get it, and not knowing how to do or what to do with it.

Everyone.

Everyone suffers from this "absence of love". If we see someone who has it, even if they don't do it well and it turns out to be the messy, gory love that dies quickly, we feel left out. Like Happiness and Satisfaction is a members only club for people with a Love Card.

Everyone is lonely.

I just conducted a survey, and of the nearly 310 million people in the U.S. alone, at least 289,411, 762 reported that at least once in their lifetime they have felt "like I will never find love".* A few you might know include myself, Samantha, Brandon, Julie, Will, Jim from the Office, Cher, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Sting, and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. * **

Many people feel that God has predestined them for singleness and a life of celibate service for His own reasons. Most of these people who hold this belief are Christians between the ages of 15 and 35. This is, however, not biblical. No offense to the Catholic Church or to Paul, but Jesus did not come back 1,950 years ago and God never told anyone to wall themselves up in a church. God's first observation of man was that his being alone sucked and his first command to the happy couple was to have sex and make babies. God wants us to get it on with one person for the rest of our life.

We get to pick that person.

When people say love is a choice what they mean is that eventually you will get tired of someone but that you have to commit to being nice to them and putting up with all their crap when you'd rather punch them in the face. This is true. However, falling in love is also choosing to let your mind dwell on the particular aspects of someone that delight you, storing them in your subconscious and engraving a picture on your soul of who you perceive that person to be. Then you put yourself in said picture until a point is reached where happiness is being with that person in that picture. If this is taken away we respond badly.

Our thought repeat themselves down a dark path of the

following:

No one chooses to love me romantically right now. Something must be wrong with me. I am unlovable. No one will ever love me. I am alone. I will always be alone. Something must be wrong with me. I will never find love.

The only way to lift oneself from the depths of darkness and gloom is to latch on to the truth of the first statement: no one chooses to love me romantically right now. Then there are 2 options:

1. accept the belief that this is God's gentle nudge that you should immediately join the nearest monastic community

2. keep your heart wide open and embrace whatever or whomever comes your way

The second thing to notice about this pattern is that all of the thoughts are self-centered insecurities. Please note that any and every jealousy, insecurity, and self-doubt lies in wait for the opportunity to subotage everything you know to be true. Lies in wait. Lies. In the waiting.

Alone is the place where we have to fight lies with truths.

Here's another truth: when in a relationship, they (Jealousy, Insecurity, and Self-Doubt, sometimes even Self-Loathing) are still waiting to jump you if you let them.

Sometimes if another girl is talking to Zach I have to tell Insecurity and Jealousy to f@%! off. I know that Zach and I are together because God saw that it was good. Nothing can stand against this truth.

Now there is a battle to fight. A war that will never resolve unless we, all of us, you and I, declare

I am loved

I will be loved

I will give love

I will welcome love

The two greatest commandments are for us to love God and love those around us. If we do this, in any capacity, we are on the right path.

And someday, somewhere choose someone to love, let someone choose you, become someone's One.

Until then, think happy thoughts and live your life open.

* **names have been changed to protect the innocent and also no one should take seriously any statistics or "facts" given in this blog regarding famous persons or the population of the US, other than serving as a metaphor for the general human condition.

Dating Games

Gentle Readers,

The following is a list of my advice about boundaries in relationships. I will not write anything that I have not personally experienced or observed.

1. If you really like a guy and he flirts with you for months and everyone says it looks like you're in a relationship but he hasn't actually asked you to be his girlfriend...you are not his girlfriend. He probably just sees you as a friend and will continue to do so.

2. If you have been hanging out with a girl a lot, spending hours on the phone and one-on-one time, she is probably waiting for you to tell her you're in love with her. If you are in love with her grow a pair and speak up. If you are not, grow a pair and speak up. Then leave her alone so she can recover.

3. If a guy or girl has an absent (or present) significant other but still flirts with you it is not, under any circumstances, okay for you to seek them out. Respect the relationship. Respect yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who flirts with everyone anyway?

4. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone and another person very clearly flirts with you, makes a pass at you, etc. do not tolerate them. Do not give any encouragement to them or to any suggestions of other people you might be interested in or attracted to. Respect your relationship.

5. Do not be the person who makes the pass at someone in a relationship.

6. If you are not sure if you actually want to pursue a relationship with someone or if you have just met someone but have not established an actually relationship with them it is not okay to do any of the following: hold hands, cuddle, sleep or nap in the same bed, make out, etc. If you're not sure you even really like someone why would you show physical signs of affection to that extent? You need to have an honest conversation. Just because you are awkward or horny is not an excuse.

7. For those who are confused and need a script, a conversation that establishes a relationship might sound something like this:

Person 1: I wanted to talk to you about something important to me. You. I really enjoy spending time with you and I was hoping/wanting to ask you if you would be my girlfriend/boyfriend (use your own judgement about who should do the asking).

Person 2: Yes that would be lovely/no, I'm sorry I spent all that time leading you on, that was really mean/stupid of me. I thought we were just friends.

8. If you have a best friend who gets into a relationship who is of the same sex go to Section A. If your best friend is of the opposite sex go to Section B.

Section A: be supportive but realize that half if not more of your bff's time is going to be spent with their new bf or gf. This is natural. It has to happen and that means less time for you. It doesn't mean your friendship is no longer important. Give your bff time to adjust and find a balance. If they cut you out of their lives completely either voice concern and wait it out or move on.

Section B: It is no longer okay for you to spend hours talking on the phone and spending one-on-one time with your bff. It's weird, territorial, and it's going to make everyone awkward. In fact, if you or your bff want to get into a healthy relationship ever, it's best to start weaning yourself now and make some friends with the same sex organs as you. Yes it's blunt and you're probably really indignant, defensive and angry right now. The truth hurts.

9. If you are now in a romantic relationship and you have one or more close friends of the opposite sex you need to put some distance between them and you. Let me explain 2 things.

"Close Friends of the Opposite Sex" means someone you spend hours talking to via chat, Skype, text or phone daily or weekly, someone you hang out with on a daily basis, someone whom you have had romantic feelings for in the past or who has harbored romantic feelings for you in the past.

The reason you need to do this? Because your closest confidant of the opposite sex needs to be your partner. If it is not it will undermine their connection to you and put your relationship in jeopardy. I don't care if they said it doesn't bother them, it does. This is especially important if marriage is or ever will be part of the dialog. Respect your romantic relationship and put more value on it than on your other relationships with members of the opposite sex. If you really want an outside perspective make more friends who are the same gender as you.

10. DO NOT enter into a romantic relationship with someone if you are in love with someone else. Especially not marriage. No one will be happy. Unless the one you love has died, you +someone else+rejected lover=tragedy

Media and examples that will only prove my point:

When Harry Met Sally

I Love You Man

Pride and Prejudice

He's Just Not That Into You (the movie is good, the book should be required reading for every girl Junior High and up)

Moulin Rouge

Persuasion

Mona Lisa Smile

The Office (yes we cheer for Jim and Pam, but think about the Pam/Roy relationship and why that didn't work out, and then think about how pissed you were at that guy Pam went to school with in NYC when the Pam/Jim relationship was surviving via phone)

Devdas

Across the Universe

Something's Gotta Give

Adam's Rib

Because I Said So

think of any relationship you have been in or seen among your acquaintances

The list could go on indefinitely.

Really, the finding and keeping of love is so difficult without the added drama of these mistakes. Be kind to yourself and others.

Shalom