This blog is not going to be about the thing I thought it was going to be about. That will have to wait.
Tonight I had a startling realization. It happened when I was unloading the dishwasher.
You see Zach is about to go to bed. And I randomly decided that I would put the dishes away when I noticed a pan he had used a couple of days ago still in the sink, waiting to be cleaned. It annoyed me, that he hadn't cleaned it yet, like it was my job to clean his dirty dishes even though he's been off work for the past two days. He could have done it but he didn't, and part of me wanted to get upset and chide him about it. That's when it hit me.
It's not his to clean. He's the one with the 9-5 job (sort of). He's the one bringing in most of the income. He's the one who is on his feet for hours a day, dealing with customers. While I sit at home on the computer, or sleeping until noon, before I mosey over to my part time nanny job. He shouldn't have to clean it. I have no right to be upset with him if he doesn't wash some dishes, or if I feel like all the cleaning and laundry falls on my shoulders. So what if the porch didn't get cleaned off yet. He needed the rest because he's the one with a job.
I have nothing else to do. This is my job. I'm a housewife.
A housewife.
I've never considered myself a feminist, I don't hate men, I wouldn't even categorize myself as a career woman. I don't want to have kids right now because I don't want to have kids right now. Not because I was planning to run the country or anything. But I never depended on anyone else to help me pay the bills. I was raised to be independent and capable. College was not optional. You go to college, get a job, get married fine, but you don't stop working just because you're married. You need 2 incomes to make ends meet, you do something purposeful with your life, you contribute to society. It's ingrained in me. I do not feel like I am doing anything with my life. I expected more. A lot more than dishes.
Please don't think that this is a rant against my husband. He is absolutely wonderful (just a little messy, not that bad as far as boys go) and has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. My being in this situation has nothing to do with him. But it is a sobering thought.
I have nowhere else to be, nothing else to do, for the majority of my day. If there is something that needs to be done around the house I might as well do it because I'm not responsible for anything else. If I was raised to be independent and capable then this is what I have to take care of. I have no salary to help pay the bills anymore, I have nothing demanding my time and attention. Sitting around all day wishing I could find a job and feeling sorry for myself is not going to get the dirt off the floor.
This is my job. My only job.
I have nothing against housewives or mothers for that matter. What you lose in sleep, you make up for in love, I get it. I understand it's a full time responsibility. I just never thought it would become my full time responsibility.
It's incredible really. I have a new-found sympathy for guys who ask girls out, get rejected and keep trying (strange I know) because I keep trying and trying but can't find a job (Maybe it's a similar feeling? Or maybe I'm just being condescending.) I also realize that as much as I say I would like to, I would never really want to be any character in a Jane Austen novel. Sitting around waiting to be married and then getting married (to a wonderful man) and running a household, with no problems to solve outside of those four walls. I'd go crazy. I am going crazy. I'd much rather be Jane Austen herself, a woman who did something, even though it was the path less traveled by.
I have no idea if I explained this right. This is just a hard adjustment, mentally.
Sorry if this is a downer. If it makes you feel any better (like if you're sadistic and enjoy me getting creeped out) I was informed today by the neighbor that there are a lot of tarantulas outside. And then I saw two tonight for the first time ever (live), up close and personal, and consequently have decided never to go outside again.
Tonight I had a startling realization. It happened when I was unloading the dishwasher.
You see Zach is about to go to bed. And I randomly decided that I would put the dishes away when I noticed a pan he had used a couple of days ago still in the sink, waiting to be cleaned. It annoyed me, that he hadn't cleaned it yet, like it was my job to clean his dirty dishes even though he's been off work for the past two days. He could have done it but he didn't, and part of me wanted to get upset and chide him about it. That's when it hit me.
It's not his to clean. He's the one with the 9-5 job (sort of). He's the one bringing in most of the income. He's the one who is on his feet for hours a day, dealing with customers. While I sit at home on the computer, or sleeping until noon, before I mosey over to my part time nanny job. He shouldn't have to clean it. I have no right to be upset with him if he doesn't wash some dishes, or if I feel like all the cleaning and laundry falls on my shoulders. So what if the porch didn't get cleaned off yet. He needed the rest because he's the one with a job.
I have nothing else to do. This is my job. I'm a housewife.
A housewife.
I've never considered myself a feminist, I don't hate men, I wouldn't even categorize myself as a career woman. I don't want to have kids right now because I don't want to have kids right now. Not because I was planning to run the country or anything. But I never depended on anyone else to help me pay the bills. I was raised to be independent and capable. College was not optional. You go to college, get a job, get married fine, but you don't stop working just because you're married. You need 2 incomes to make ends meet, you do something purposeful with your life, you contribute to society. It's ingrained in me. I do not feel like I am doing anything with my life. I expected more. A lot more than dishes.
Please don't think that this is a rant against my husband. He is absolutely wonderful (just a little messy, not that bad as far as boys go) and has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. My being in this situation has nothing to do with him. But it is a sobering thought.
I have nowhere else to be, nothing else to do, for the majority of my day. If there is something that needs to be done around the house I might as well do it because I'm not responsible for anything else. If I was raised to be independent and capable then this is what I have to take care of. I have no salary to help pay the bills anymore, I have nothing demanding my time and attention. Sitting around all day wishing I could find a job and feeling sorry for myself is not going to get the dirt off the floor.
This is my job. My only job.
I have nothing against housewives or mothers for that matter. What you lose in sleep, you make up for in love, I get it. I understand it's a full time responsibility. I just never thought it would become my full time responsibility.
It's incredible really. I have a new-found sympathy for guys who ask girls out, get rejected and keep trying (strange I know) because I keep trying and trying but can't find a job (Maybe it's a similar feeling? Or maybe I'm just being condescending.) I also realize that as much as I say I would like to, I would never really want to be any character in a Jane Austen novel. Sitting around waiting to be married and then getting married (to a wonderful man) and running a household, with no problems to solve outside of those four walls. I'd go crazy. I am going crazy. I'd much rather be Jane Austen herself, a woman who did something, even though it was the path less traveled by.
I have no idea if I explained this right. This is just a hard adjustment, mentally.
Sorry if this is a downer. If it makes you feel any better (like if you're sadistic and enjoy me getting creeped out) I was informed today by the neighbor that there are a lot of tarantulas outside. And then I saw two tonight for the first time ever (live), up close and personal, and consequently have decided never to go outside again.
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