Lent Day 14: Frustration and Stagnation

Two weeks into Lent and I'm already frustrated. Not about being unable to turn my tv on or listen to music. But because I find myself unmotivated to do all the great things I've planned.

I mean, aside from studying Spanish, yoga, being more social, I haven't accomplished anything on my list. Why am I like this? Why am I not sewing, starting my garden, and writing?

I lack the self-discipline and inspiration to do what must be done to accomplish my dreams.

I remember when I was a little girl I really wanted to be a writer. Sure I wanted to be an artist, chef, teacher etc. but writing has consistently trumped all through the years. Yet aside from this blog, a few posts on facebook, and a couple of stories written for a creative writing course a couple of years back...niente.

Partly I think this is because of laziness, distraction, and procrastination. But I also think it has something to do with fear. Will my writing be any good? Will anyone ever want to read it, let alone publish it? I'm not the type to seek fame so I'm not sure why I've always wanted to be a writer. Then again, in all the stories about great writers, it seems like they were passionate about writing from the get go. From an early age they were scribbling away.

Whereas when I was a kid and writing was my goal I shut myself in my room for an entire day (I packed a lunch) and told my parents I was going to be writing all day. I didn't. I feel like I'm doing it again except this time the grown-up me is shutting herself up in her apartment for Lent. If I haven't been writing since a young age maybe I'll never do it.

On top of all this, I've always had this inner sense of accomplishment (without any work to really show for it) that I could be a great writer. Better than many who are published today (I really am a literary snob). Maybe I don't write because, secretly, I'm afraid my pride will bite me in the butt.

I think this is what my Lent this year is really about. Will I go for my dream or not? Will I actually put fingers to keyboard and do something or will I emerge on April 4th once again with nothing to show for it?

I realize that some of these thoughts are a little overdramatic but they are also constantly on replay in the back of my mind. All the time in the world won't change me. I have to be the one to do it. It's like that quote about our deepest fear being that "we are powerful beyond measure". That's exactly what I've always felt like. Like I have something amazing and great within me but I'm always holding myself back from it, not knowing how to get there.

May you go out to meet your dreams with confident strides. I hope I can do the same. Until then,

Shalom